


Knox's Poetry

by justanotherboyinblue



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi, Other, Poems, Poetry, Romance, Transphobia mention, abuse mention, break ups, homophobia mention, poem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2020-11-27 20:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherboyinblue/pseuds/justanotherboyinblue
Summary: just making a separate work for my poems, credit to those that helped me out with any of them! if any triggers apply, they will be mentioned in notes at the beginning





	1. The Sun

The sun smiled at us for a while  
Maybe it was because you always shone like her  
But the sun sets on everything

No matter how beautiful


	2. Exsistence

I do not exist to be easy

I do not exist for your pleasure

I do not exist for your entertainment

I exist for the wonderous harmony of a cat purring on my lap

I exist for the beauty of sunrises and sunsets

For laughter at 3am and beyond

For Disney movie marathons and cuddling on the couch

But most of all..

I exist to be happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally written 7/26/19, 1:11am  
modified 8/12/19, 1:50am  
modified and posted 10/8/19, 3:00pm


	3. A Familiar Weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
this poem is about self-harm, specifically cutting, please don't read if you are triggered by either of these things!!
> 
> originally written 8/12/19, 1:53am  
modified and posted 10/8/19, 3:03pm

My knife, a familiar weight in my hand

An old friend you could say

But whenever I deem to visit this friend

It seems there's always a price to be paid

A price that can only be paid in blood


	4. Soulmates

It is usually thought of people who believe in soulmates to be silly, young and naive

But I tell you now, I believe in soulmates

I believe that each person has a hundred soulmates 

I believe that over the course of your life you will meet people that you will have such a deep connection with that there could be no other explanation 

Each person in this world is made whole, I do not believe that another completes you, but I do believe that another may compliment you

We are not single puzzle pieces put together to make a picture, we are our own pictures

You may see us in a gallery and you would see how one painting is beautiful alone, but when you take another painting and put them together you get more of the story that they share with one another

So yes, when you ask me if I believe in soulmates I would tell you of the friends and lovers and the connections that I've had over the years

I would tell you how a single star may be good on its own, but what about millions upon billions of them all together in the sky in beautiful harmony

Wouldn't you say they go quite well together?


	5. Celestial Sorrows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written with the help of friends Jasper and Fae 10/7/19 over the course of many hours

The Sun and the Moon were once lovers

As free and beautiful as a pair of plovers

But through my heart you've driven your spears

And I have been crying for a thousand years


	6. How Our Parents Raised Us(Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: parental abuse; homophobia, transphobia, racism, and sexism mention
> 
> written 10/26/19, at 2:41am

Each time I asked my brother if he was leaving our parents house when he finished high school he always got annoyed with me

Told me that he would leave when he got a steady job

Or when he found a girlfriend

But I realize now that every time I asked this question, I was always asking a different question

I was asking my brother how could he not want to leave this place the second he was able

How he could not want to escape from our mother's horrible temper

How he could not want to escape from our father's racism, sexism, and horrid comments at every corner

How he could not want to escape our parents' toxicity and abuse

Didn't our parents treat us the same?

Wasn't he tired of being ordered around like a slave

Wasn't he tired of having his fears be mocked every second

Wasn't he tired of being told to shut up and be quiet about the things he was passionate about

Wasn't he tired of the extreme homophobia and transphobia

Wasn't he tired of his cruel sibling

Wasn't he tired of crying every night because of the horrors his family put him through

Weren't we raised the same?


	7. Chapter 7

I often told myself that I would never be as happy as I was when I was with my first love

That I would never find such joy in life again

Oh, was I wrong

I was with my first love for about a year, half of which we were together

I was with my latest love for seventeen days and the joy I felt with them was so much greater

The first real relationship I ever had was with my latest love

And we were so happy

I remember asking God to let us be happy together

If only for a short while

If we were not destined to be together for the rest of our lives

Then being happy for a time was just as good

I do not regret our time together, despite the heartbreak as it ended

It may have been short in some people's eyes

But in mine it was an eternity 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 10/26/19, at 10:51pm


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas present for my beautiful partner; short, sappy, and not the greatest but yk what i Tried
> 
> written 3:56pm Christmas day 2019

The constellations of Pisces and Libra have danced around each other for thousands of years

The Heavens aligned a millennia ago to bring the two together

Since that day, Pisces realized their stars have never shone as brightly as when they are with their Libra


	9. What A Nonbinary Owes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written around 10 pm 1/30/2020  
modified 12:26 am 2/1/2020
> 
> tw: illusion to a transphobic family; dysphoria; cursing

I heard it once that nobody deserves a nonbinary's androgyny

And they don't

They can shove their predetermined notions of what a nonbinary should be up their ass 

But I think _I _deserve my androgyny

I think I deserve my masculinity too

But I'll never have them

It doesn't matter what I want, or who I am, all I will ever be in the end is a woman

To my family

To strangers I pass on the street

To anyone and everyone who sees me

I am nothing more than a woman

I could never pass for anything else

I look like a woman, and it's never really bothered me

For so many years, it hasn't bothered me in the least

But once the prospect of having my own binder was dangled in front of me

And once that prospect was taken away

It started to bother me

I do not have the face, nor the body, for androgyny

Much less masculinity

I suppose it's the toxicity of society that tells me I must look a certain way to be androgynous or masculine

But I think I deserve my own androgyny

I think I deserve my own masculinity

Despite the world telling me I'll never have either


	10. Guardians of Bethesda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school makes you do neat things sometimes  
the history behind the fountain is legitimately so cool though  
Bethesda Fountain in Central Park

Deep in nature you will find roads of stone

Leading you to a terrace of brick

Flags of green and yellow guard this place

An angel made from woman's hands

Arm outstretched over the water

Her children beneath her

Depicted forever in their youth

People of bronze

Always watching those that pass

Protecting us


	11. The Age of Dragons

The warmth of the sun

Bathes the world in its firey color

All the Earth stands in awe

Raising black monoliths in contrast

As if they were trying to stain the sky

A blotch of ink on parchment

Smoke billows from some monoliths

A way for man to bring back dragons

Beasts from a long-ago era

To breathe fire back into the universe once more


	12. The Universe Was In Love With Itself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 3/27/2020  
edited 5/1/2020

the Sun, the Moon, and their Stars

there was a bright shining moment

when they were all in love

and everything was perfect

and everything was good

and the universe was theirs for the taking


	13. The Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 3/31/2020  
edited 5/1/2020

The nights aren't as cold anymore

Ever since I met you

Ever since you showed me what it was like to be held

To be loved

Since the day you showed me true warmth

But sometimes it creeps back in

When the memories aren't enough

And I forget


	14. A Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 4/2/2020  
edited 5/1/2020  
tw: abuse mention

I often thought it was just a story I told myself

The things you did to me

The things you said to me

To help me better care for others

To grant me the right to be cared for by others

But now that I've told the wrong person

It's suddenly so real

It can no longer be denied now that it's out in the open

Out from behind closed doors

No longer being spoken in hushed tones

Now my abuse is finally real

And my tears are on your hands


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 4/8/2020  
edited 5/1/2020  
tw:illusion to suicidal thoughts and self-harm

They always tell you to get rid of those that are bad for you

To cut out things and people that hurt you

To stop actions harmful to your mental health

But the one thing that has always been the worst to me

That has beaten me and caused more pain and tears than any other one thing in the world

Has always been me

Yet it's also to one thing I am forced to keep


	16. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 4/8/2020

I hate this pain of not knowing

This in-between we've found ourselves in

One misspoken sentence can destroy an entire relationship built on love

I was hurting and breaking in the early hours of the morning

I promise I didn't mean what I said

But I cannot take back words once spoken

Your nonreplies playing in my head

A single moment of pain and my treacherous hands

Crumbling our bond right before my eyes


	17. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 4/12/2020  
edited 5/1/2020

One day there will come a person who can hold you in their hands 

And only feel the warmth you emit

But I am not strong enough

My hands are burned

You have always shone so brightly

And I would never try and dull you so that I could handle your light

I was simply not built to take in your sun

It was never that you were too much

It was that I was too weak

And I'm sorry


	18. Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 4/23/2020  
edited 5/1/2020  
tw: abuse; illusion to pedophilia and incest

Some days I wonder why you haven't left him

The man I call father

But then I think

That it's because he's never touched me

Because there has never been a bruise on my body, or a hand where no father's hand should ever be

That it is not real to you

But I think even if he had

You would stay

And I no longer wonder

Only realize how much worse you are in comparison to him


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written 4/26/2020  
edited 5/1/2020

Some nights I lay in my bed

Where you once held me

And I long for those days

But then I wonder

If it's you I miss

Or what you would give me


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written- 5/24/2020  
edited- 8/19/2020  
tw: self-harm, being ignored

When the tears won't fall

I make blood flow in their place

I cried out for help but you chose to ignore me

Now I suffocate on my own words

Forcing pleas for help down

Scars growing instead of our bond

My own voice in my head begging me to stop my hand

But this time

I'm the one ignoring it


	21. Love in all it's forms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written- 5/31/2020  
edited- 8/19/2020
> 
> tw: pedophilia, catfishing, lying, unrequited love, breakups
> 
> (L used kit/kits/kitself pronouns when we were together, so that is what I will be using here)

_Jacob_

The first time he told me he loved me I couldn't believe someone so amazing could love someone like me

It was only later that I found out he was not 'amazing' and did not love me

I was eleven, and twelve

He was sixteen, and seventeen

_Sarah_

The first time she told me she loved me I didn't know what to say

I didn't know if I loved her the same way, but over the next few weeks I grew to love her

Until I found out everything I knew about her was a lie

I was twelve and thirteen

She was seventeen, and eighteen

_Venus_

The first time she told me she loved me she warned me that she had never been in love before

I fell in love with her anyway

But she didn't

We were fourteen

_L_

The first time kit told me kit loved me I said it back to kits, so happy we had found each other

Every moment we spent together was one of pure bliss

After I explained to kits how much I truly loved kits, they returned my love and we were finally together

But one day kits told me that kits love wasn't enough

Offered me friendship instead of companionship

I knew that I could never love kits as just a friend

That I couldn't let go of what we once had

So I let kits go instead

I was fourteen, and fifteen

Kit was fourteen

_Damien_

The first time he told me he loved me, I once again reciprocated

After what felt like forever we confessed our romantic feelings for each other, and we were together, with the blessing of my love L

The three of us together, so very happy

Months flew by, full of laughter and joy

But once enough time had passed, things I loved about him grew to annoy me instead

I left him

Things had grown cold between us, weeks passing without a single word said

It wasn't long after him that I lost kits as well

I was fourteen, and fifteen

He was fourteen

I have never been so truly alone


	22. The One We Call Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written- 6/2/2020  
edited- 8/19/2020
> 
> tw: death, loss, crying, animalistic metaphors

Ever since you left me my nights have been filled by shaky hands and salt-stained cheeks

My throat run raw trying to contain the sobs that claw their way up and out of my mouth

Soft whimpers bouncing on each wall of my empty room

Breaking free of my hands that I have caged over my mouth

So desperate to keep in the monster

The monster we have given a thousand names to

Heartache, Loss, Pain, Despair, Loneliness

Grief

It comes in the night to remind us

A voice whispering in our ears

Regaling us with tales of those which are no longer

Lost to time, violence, or simply lost to us

Grief has no discrimination

It wraps itself around our bodies

Trapping us in our beds

A weight crushing down on our ribcages

Tightening our lungs, our throats

Squeezing tear after tear from our eyes

Forcing our jaws open to let loose our cries

Making animals of us

Bodies wracked by pain

Consumed

By Grief


	23. Journey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written- 6/7/2020  
edited- 8/19/2020

How wonderful it is

To be another passing vehicle

Driving on rivers of concrete with skies of black

To act as dogs, letting the breeze through our windows consume us

Reveling in the smell of distant fires

So happy to be alive in that moment

That everything else slips away


	24. And Age Old Tale Of Sheep and Wolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written- 6/17/2020  
edited- 8/19/2020
> 
> tw: blood, animal metaphors, death/murder

There has always been an us and a them

We are constantly at war with each other

In every corner of the world, of our minds

Predator and Prey

The Wolves and the Sheep

Some Sheep flee to the Wolves

Asking, "Who is eating us?"

The Wolves cry out, "You are eating yourselves!"

"Look at your fellow Sheep and you will see your killer"

"We are only here to protect you"

And those Sheep believe the Wolves lies

They put their faith in these words, even as they watch them come from blood-stained jaws

They trust the Wolves to protect them

To save them from themselves

So the Sheep turn their backs to the Wolves

But they have forgotten

That Wolves have teeth

And they are hungry


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written- 6/19/2020  
edited- 8/19/2020

For the first time in my life

I love someone who I cannot have

Since day one I have thought only of being able to call her my own

But it was only once I had fallen completely did I realize that while I had given her my heart the moment I met her

For her, it was never an option

The cruelest part of it 

Is that she loves me as well

She gives me all of her affection

But she will never be mind

Even though I am hers

If only we did not exist thousands of miles apart

We could be together


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written- 6/29/2020

Amante, you are my religion

You do not know the power you hold over my heart

How you have made your home there

Driving away the cold with your beautiful warmth

Replacing cruel teachings with those of love

For myself and for those around me

You have helped my hands mold my very being

Creating the person I always wished I could be


	27. Ideas of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally written 10/2/2020  
edited 11/10/2020

I had a boyfriend once

And I think we were in love

But these days I don't know the difference between being in love with a person and being in love with the idea of one

It felt like love, but I knew we weren't going to last

I always had one foot out the door, and I should have paid more attention to that fact

Maybe it was love once

But now it's just faded


	28. Chapter 28

I forced myself to walk away

From the most beautiful soul I have ever known

Because if I had stayed

All that was left of mine would shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: breakup; heartbreak


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally written 10/8/2020  
Edited 10/15/2020

It's on nights like these

Lying in bed alone

That I think

I keep forgetting to fall out of love with you

And the worst part of it

Is that I know if I reached out to you

You would reach back

And we would go back to pretending


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally written 10/19/2020  
edited 11/10/2020  
edited 11/15/2020

There must be something so wrong with me

That every time I make a connection with another

That I feel happy and loved and _whole_

They leave

Why am I so easy to leave?


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: depression; crying; suicidal ideation; thoughts of suicide
> 
> originally written 11/2/2020  
edited 11/10/2020  
edited 11/13/2020  
edited 11/15/2020

I knew it was getting bad again

When I had to force myself to pick up my sketchbook

When I didn't care about watching my favorite TV shows

When I couldn't read for more than a few minutes before drifting

When the thought of doing school work day after day made me want to cry

And when all I wanted to do was go back to sleep

I knew I was getting bad again

When I was crying every night

When I had to choke down my sobs

And when I thought about the bottle of pills in the cabinet


	32. Home

It's okay to want to fall in love before you fall asleep

Because to love and be loved in return is to have someone

And to have someone in all of this is to have a home

And to have a home is to be safe

And that is all any of us could want


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally written 11/13/2020  
edited 11/15/2020

I think it's time to let go

I've been holding you in my heart for so long, keeping you safe and protected

Keeping you with me long after we had parted ways

But you have outgrown your space in my heart

Your memory no longer fits there

I have to put you away, and make room for someone new

I will always love you

But I have to let you go


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: heartbreak; unrequited love
> 
> originally written 11/15/2020 at like 5am  
edited 11/15/2020 at 5pm

Every time I text you I have to stop myself

From calling you baby, or mine, or any one of the dozen disgustingly sappy nicknames I made for you

From saying I love you

But goddammit if I don't still fucking love you

And we said we would always love each other

And maybe you broke that promise but I didn't

But sitting here, crying myself to sleep for the hundredth time

With your name on my lips

I can't help but wish I had


End file.
